The Art of Surrender is an Unfamiliar Art Indeed

 

It's been almost six weeks since I dislocated my knee. 

Six weeks of being off work with no income, and limited security to cling to. 

I'm fortunate in that I had just started to rebuild my savings after I purchased my car, and that Jon is both the breadwinner of our household and that he has savings tucked away as well. There is however, an expiry date on my ability to stay home, even if I'm technically unfit to be employed. 

One of the strangest things that has happened so far is that I was almost immediately offered a job for when I'm able to drive again, a job I can't talk about due to the nature of who it is, and it not being set in stone yet. I was recruited in a way, by someone I never would have dreamed. 

I wish I could tell you about it. 

The idea of working for them is a compelling one, if only I didn't need to shut down my business in order to do it... but with this injury there is a fair chance that I would be shutting down my business all the same, so, a natural grieving process is taking place while in complete limbo about what the future holds.

Will I be able to continue running my business?

Will I be employed by someone else?

Am I going to be able to actually see income anytime soon?

Will I ever walk properly again, or be able to lift weights and build muscle so I try to prevent this type of injury from happening again?

Will I be in a knee brace for the rest of my life?

Will I ever be able to bend down to tend to a garden again, or shower standing up without carefully placing myself in the bottom of the tub before removing the brace and supporting my knee with a bath pillow?

There is truly so much in the air.

I've applied to fourteen work from home jobs (every single remote job on Indeed) and have heard back from none. I've also started a virtual assistant service and secured one client so far... this company that wants me to shut down my business to come and work for them. 

I find myself regularly thinking about (and crying about) how I wish we already had the little folk house. How if we already had the home where I was growing and preserving food, had chickens to tend to, and a dairy animal, we would have so much more security just naturally. It would have been exceptionally challenging to do the farm tasks for the first three weeks but even if it took me all day to do them at least I'd be where I want to be. Now that I'm officially unemployed, I really don't see how I'm going to be obtaining this house seeing as I need large sums of money in order to acquire it. 

I'm hoping that something changes soon, that I get this new brace that allows me to drive and I do secure a job that I don't mind that puts all of my immediate worries at ease. Maybe this situation is one of those detours on the way to manifestation that is actually bringing you to what you're wanting in the fastest way possible, even if it seems like we're going the wrong way. 

If we had the homestead the only activities I would actually enjoy doing are the homestead tasks, the blog, the Instagram (which would have way more aesthetic content in that space and yard), music and making handmade home decor.. that's truly what I want to do with my life. I wish these things were established now so I already knew where my income was coming from and I already had the means to live the life I dream about everyday, and then maybe I wouldn't even need to worry about a "job".

Thank you for being a shoulder to lean on during this very strange and unfortunate time,  

Natasha MacIsaac